In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.