This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'