Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job