There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
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Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
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We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.