we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.