I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.