He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump