my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".