found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
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on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
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Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.