surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
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im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
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If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.