there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.