I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.