Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.