I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug