Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?