It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."