Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week