I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.