Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
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I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
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Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.