Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.