I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
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I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.