Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.