I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..