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he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
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