he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
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Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
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The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012