This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.