Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
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i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
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He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.