The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
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I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
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Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.