I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.