i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness