You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
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Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid