It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
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i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
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I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.