I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.