I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
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what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
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Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance