That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.