I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.