well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor