My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"