Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?