Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
How's your threesome situation going?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde