U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
How's your threesome situation going?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience