Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership