Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.