Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.