Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.