Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma