They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
People Are Arguing Over This Guyâ€™s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.