You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.