he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
