Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.