We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
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If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
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Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....