Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.