Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck