Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
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I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.