I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?