Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?