My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player