Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How drunk are you?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?