Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange