I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
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So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
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So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.