So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing