Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.