Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
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After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.