I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.