"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?