If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?