Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
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My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.