Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
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Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
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What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.