I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
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My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
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I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.